I hadn’t intended writing this post, but I have received so much overwhelming support from the beading community on the Battle of the Beadsmith page, along with personal messages, that I feel I want to explain a little more about how I’m feeling right now.
The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions for me. The first thing you should probably know is that I am never satisfied with my work, especially the ‘big’ projects. I haven’t had any design training: I make it up as I go along and I know that makes for some ‘interesting’ design decisions! Sometimes they work, sometimes I’m not so sure. The projects that begin with a clear image in my head are generally the ones with which I am most dissatisfied. That image in the head is always perfect, and not always clearly defined…it’s a dream that I try to turn into reality. Like all dreams, the reality is never anything like as good. Imaginary structures rarely work in reality. The work I like best are the pieces that evolve: they start with a concept and go on a journey to an end point that I never imagined, so they don’t have anything to compare with. Even these, though, are often disappointing to me. Most especially when I start looking at other artists’ creations. In my eyes, my own work often compares unfavourably. I try not to make those comparisons – I know they’re not helpful. I also know that a lot of you reading this will be identifying with all that I’ve said here.
So, fast forward to the battle. I had a ball creating Chameleon whilst it was just me and my beads. It was one of those projects that I just didn’t want to leave alone…it was quite a job to make myself do the work I get paid to do, instead of just sitting and beading this piece! I was so sorry when I finished it. Then comes the part I really don’t enjoy…exposing it to the world. For starters, I had created a bit of a challenge to convey the work in 4 images. I do this every year and every year my Mum (I’m staying with her at the moment), says something along the lines of, ‘that’s beautiful, but why don’t you make something simpler that you can actually photograph for people to appreciate properly?’ I know she’s right and I know this is good advice, but for me the point of the battle is to stretch my beading skills, so if I remain true to myself I don’t think I’m ever going to create something that’s not complicated. I also find it hard to know how to work the photography for BOTB. Do you put your four best images into round 1? If you do that, then where do you go from there if you progress on through more rounds? What are the images meant to show: the full work, the details to demonstrate your technical skill, a mixture of the two? So, if you thought the strategy was all in the creation of beadwork, think again. So I end up taking a selection of images, decide to try and show some of the ‘big picture’ and some of the details, but my heart isn’t in this process in the way it is with the beading. Fundamentally I’m growing less and less keen on sending my work out there to be judged.
Then comes the reveal. That period of watching other entries being revealed and the escalating conviction in my own mind as I see more and more of them, that my own work is not good enough by comparison. Usually those fears are somewhat relieved when my piece is finally revealed and other beaders are finding something to admire in it. I’m well aware that probably makes me sound like I’m just seeking praise or some kind of ego boost. It’s not that: it’s actually a sense of ‘phew, I didn’t fail completely’, rather than ‘thank you world for recognising my genius!’ if that makes sense. So this year, to have the initial comment on my work as effectively, ‘this doesn’t meet the battle criteria, so shouldn’t be here, and it claims to be ‘Parure’ jewellery and it’s not’, was tough. It was like finally someone had said out loud what I’d been feeling inside. This one act of thoughtlessness has been more than balanced out by so much support and so many kind messages both publicly and privately. One lady even took the trouble to carry out her own search of ‘Parure jewellery’ and find a wonderful article which she forwarded to me with the message that she thought ‘Chameleon’ precisely matched the definition in the article. Then there have been the kind comments from designers for whom I have an enormous amount of respect and whose views mean a lot to me. And, of course, as you probably know if you’re reading this, Steven has also leapt to my defence. So, a huge thank you to all of you – I really can’t put into words how grateful and touched I feel.
This year, my round 1 exit felt somewhat inevitable. In fact it was almost a relief. By this point I just really wanted to walk away from the battle completely. I’ve said I won’t be back next year. It just struck me, why am I putting myself through this? I could just as easily spend two months beading something for myself and not show it to the world and not be judged. For me, the battle has always been primarily about stretching myself and experimenting with new ideas. I don’t know how I will feel ten months from now. The strength of emotions I’ve experienced this year isn’t entirely to do with the battle – that has been just one more thing on top of what has been a tricky time, but it’s one thing that I put myself through voluntarily. So I’m just wondering whether I want to put myself under that pressure again. We’ll see.
So what am I taking away from this year’s battle? Well, it’s not going to be the negativity of others, but the support and friendship that have come my way from Battle Nation. Whether I take part next year or not, I know I’m always going to have the privilege of being a part of Battle Nation. I know I’m not going to stop creating beadwork: I simply can’t. My head is constantly buzzing with ideas that I have to try out and beading always has been and still is, a relaxation and an escape from life.
What would I like to say? Well, really some of you have said it already: beadwork as an art form is subjective: some pieces will be to your taste and some won’t, but as a beader you know how much work, thought and passion has gone into every piece, so please respect the artist who created it. Genuinely constructive criticism is helpful to an artist, but it is something that should be delivered gently. For example, if you see a piece in brown and think ‘I’d love to see that in blue’, remember that is your vision, not the artists’. So don’t go blurting out, ‘that would have looked so much better in blue’. You don’t need to say anything, but if you do feel a compulsion that you simply can’t control, how about a private message to the artist that goes something like, ‘I loved your piece – I thought the way you made that focal at the front was wonderful. Had you ever thought about making it in a blue colour scheme – I think that would really pop.’ Maybe the artist hates blue and will sooner chop their hands off than make anything in blue beads, but maybe it will let the artist look at their work in a different light and spark some new ideas for them. Either way, have some respect. Please bear in mind, whether it’s beading or in life, you are entitled to hold your own opinions, but you are not entitled to force them on others. You have no idea what another person is feeling and what effect your words are going to have on them, so, as my German teacher used to say, ‘Engage brain before opening mouth’.
